i'm lonely. not alone, but lonely. i have a fiance/boyfriend that i've mentioned before, but i'm still lonely. he works nights which makes me feel even more alone than normal.
i'm friendless. it's sad really. i think i'm a nice person, easy-going, fun, spontaneous, good listener. but...i can't seem to keep good quality friends. usually, i'm in a group of three or some other odd number. it doesn't start out like that, but it ends up that way more often than i care to remember. most of girlfriends either get a boyfriend and start doing things with him instead of me (understandable)...or we just plain part ways. life changes and we change.
i have a few "friends" that seem to linger through email forwards, but that's pretty much it.
i try not to dwell on it too much. i tell myself...i don't need friends...i've got Grey's Anatomy and blogger.com, of course.
i think that's part of the reason why i decided to start my own blog. i have to have someone to talk to. to vent my frustrations, my sorrows, my bores!
so...thank you...for reading and commenting. i appreciate it.
maybe i should get a pet. perhaps then i won't feel so lonely. i'll always have a little warm body to snuggle up with at night. :)

Can you guess my ethnicity?

My whole life I've dealt with strangers and so-called friends inquiring about my heritage. I've heard everything from black, to white, to hispanic, to indian, to native american, to brazilian and almost everything in between.
I enjoy hearing peoples comments now, unlike when I was a young girl. I couldn't stand being stopped by random strangers. They would stare into my eyes and say, "Are you wearing contacts?" "Where are you from?". I once had a woman reach out and try to touch my eye...she couldn't believe the color (i guess).
But when I was younger my so-called friends were mean about it. They would make fun of me. They made me feel very self conscience. Even my half brother made me question myself.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"????!!!! That's crap! My grandmother was sure that was my cure all though.
I went through several identity crises. I was trying to find my place in society. I wanted to be accepted. I hated being different. But there was nothing I could do to blend in. Someone was always saying something.
Now that I'm older (and perhaps a little wiser) it doesn't bother me as much. It still takes me by surprise when the person behind me in the grocery store comments on my hair or my eyes. But I'm flattered all the same.
I've found my place in society. It's my own little Racial Background Check Box on the government documents and job applications. "OTHER". I am the OTHER. I refuse to say I'm one race, when I'm in fact made up of many. To choose one race means I must deny the other and I won't do that.
I'm happy now. I'm me.

love is the topic

love seems to be the topic of many of the blogs that i follow. love may be the true meaning of life. perhaps we're meant to live and enjoy the wonders of this world and fall in love. maybe that's it, nothing more. not knowledge, not power, not position, not wealth...just love.
love is a great thing. no matter how you describe it. no matter what it is to you. it's powerful, it's fulfilling.
finding "the one", "soulmate", "cinema/storybook love" is what completes us.
i've been in love many times. i enjoy the feeling so i allow myself to fall head over heels. don't get me wrong...because my past relationships weren't true love by far. after the initial fireworks fizzled out the true person was revealed...and i didn't like what i saw.
i am now in a valuable and honest relationship with my soulmate. in the beginning there were fireworks, and when they started to fizzle out i liked what i saw. we've had our fights, we've had our struggles and disagreements, but we always pull through. in the end there is still love. the embers of courtship are still hot.
its taken a long time and many "wrong" loves to help me decide who i am and what i need from a mate.
that being said, i've changed a lot. i'm a completely different person from who i was 5, 10, 2 years ago. and i don't mean minor changes. i mean complete personality changes (that's a topic for another post).
but who i am now is the true me. and i'm happy with me. confident and satisfied. i suppose that's why i've been brought to meet my soulmate. i'm thankful.

Breaking UP

I think I'm too nice. I don't know how to break up with someone. I tend to worry about how the other persons feelings will be effected.
I'm in a wonderful relationship now and actually plan on marrying this man...BUT there is another person.
I still stay in contact with my high school sweetheart. I've tried to cut it off with him, but I always end up talking to him. Nothings ever happened between us (lately), at least not since college. We're just friends.
I stopped contacting him and told him that I was in a serious relationship and that it probably wasn't such a good idea for us to be talking, but he still emails me from time to time. I send a polite reply and keep my answers short. I don't want something to happen that I might regret.
How do you break up with someone? I've known him since I was 7!! We've been really good friends for years. I feel like I'm disrespecting my fiance though by responding to his emails. I don't want to hurt my exs feelings either. Perhaps I shouldn't concern myself with his feelings at all, but I'm not that kind of person.

Relationships &Sex

Okay...I've gotta get this off my chest. I wasn't going to use this blog to talk about my own personal life, but I'm going to have to. I need to vent my relationship frustrations and I have no one else to talk to about it, but you. Thank you...
I've been involved in a serious relationship for over a year now. We live together. We have our ups and our downs...but who doesn't. I love him very much (and for those of you that have read my "there's no such thing as love" I was referring to that unchanging...passionate...classic movie type love).
Anyway, lately...he's been in a mood, which happens frequently. I'm convinced that men get PMS just like women just not as often. Well, he's been depressed about work and money (just like every other person on the planet I would imagine) and it's caused him to not be very affectionate or sexual at all.
Sex, to me, is a very important part of any intimate/romantic relationship. Am I right? Of course I am!
I've tried coming to him, but he ignores me. I've tried doing other little things to let him know that I'm thinking about him and that I support him and that everything with work and money will fine.....BUT.....it doesn't work. I'm fed up, to tell you that truth. I asked him if he was cheating. He says, " Of course not. I would never do that. I've made a commitment."
Unfortunately, his actions translate differently. And this isn't the first time that he's shut me out either. I get sick of this crap. I'm too old for this.
Why can't we all just be one way. Consistency...PEOPLE!!!! PLEASE!!! Do what you're supposed to do in relationships. Be there. Be a Friend. Be a Lover. Be Humble (at times). Sacrifice. Good grief!!! It can't be that hard.
My heart is hurting. I feel unattractive and unwanted. I'm not saying that sex = love, but being intimate is a reflection of love.
I feel much better, now that I've gotten that off my chest.
Thanks for listen...

Ahhh...Simple Pleasures

I watch little children receive extravagant presents for birthdays and holidays only to then see them discard them like yesterdays fad.
My mother, being the clever woman that she is, noticed this trend and decided to buy my niece and nephew something she knew they would enjoy.
On Christmas morning, they opened up a box of scotch tape, a flash light, bubble wrap and some old useless springs. They loved it and spent the entire day using their imaginations and random pieces of junk to go to the moon in a self made rocket ship.
If only we could all find joy in the simple things.

Breathe....For GOD's Sake

Every where I go, I hear people discussing their troubles with others. The struggling economy, failed marriages, affairs, out of control teens, dead end jobs.
I've had random people vent their personal life moments to me! Who am I? I'm nobody, but maybe they feel comfortable talking to me. Maybe I have a "Random Thoughts Welcome" sign posted on my forehead.
Just the other day, while I was at work (I interact with the public everyday in my job) this pregnant woman began conversing with me about her pregnancy. I had a very low interest level, but to avoid being rude I continued to listen intently. Nodding my head and saying "mmm hmm" from time to time, that seemed to make her comfortable so she continued deeper into her personal life. She shared with me how, before her current pregnancy, she had miscarried a 6 month term baby girl. She told me how devastated she was and how depressed she was. She told me about the various anti depressants she was on, how her husband and family felt. My GOD!!! I didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone with whom you have no emotional connection, no relationship with...nothing? How do you tell them that you're sorry to hear that? Because frankly, I didn't have any emotion at all. I scrunched up my face, expressed my deepest sympathy and that was pretty much the end of it.
So that woman left my presence with all her dreary thoughts. Her emotional rain cloud lingered over me for the rest of the day. I still continue to think about her and her lost baby!!!! How unfair.
Don't get me wrong...I'm happy that she was able to conceieve again, but good grief.
My point to all this is, let's just breathe for a minute. Things can't be that bad. And if it does seem that way, rest assured that it won't last.
Look out your window and see the beauty and hope and life that surrounds you. Think positive.
And, oh yeah, I'm always available to listen
"Random Thoughts Welcome"


Here I am. Here am I. A blogger-virgin.
I suppose you're wondering what's drawn me to the blogging scene. I'm not exactly sure really. Perhaps it's because I have no friends and no family of which to vent my constant frustrations with life in general. And therefore, I've turned to perfect strangers with false identities, whom I may never meet. Somehow that's comforting. There's no fear, no insecurity, no self loathing here. If I don't like something I can simply turn off my computer or block someone from ever viewing my page again or ever responding to me again. MAN! I wish I could do that in real life. That, my friends, is true freedom.