lonely

i'm lonely. not alone, but lonely. i have a fiance/boyfriend that i've mentioned before, but i'm still lonely. he works nights which makes me feel even more alone than normal.
i'm friendless. it's sad really. i think i'm a nice person, easy-going, fun, spontaneous, good listener. but...i can't seem to keep good quality friends. usually, i'm in a group of three or some other odd number. it doesn't start out like that, but it ends up that way more often than i care to remember. most of girlfriends either get a boyfriend and start doing things with him instead of me (understandable)...or we just plain part ways. life changes and we change.
i have a few "friends" that seem to linger through email forwards, but that's pretty much it.
i try not to dwell on it too much. i tell myself...i don't need friends...i've got Grey's Anatomy and blogger.com, of course.
i think that's part of the reason why i decided to start my own blog. i have to have someone to talk to. to vent my frustrations, my sorrows, my bores!
so...thank you...for reading and commenting. i appreciate it.
maybe i should get a pet. perhaps then i won't feel so lonely. i'll always have a little warm body to snuggle up with at night. :)

Can you guess my ethnicity?

My whole life I've dealt with strangers and so-called friends inquiring about my heritage. I've heard everything from black, to white, to hispanic, to indian, to native american, to brazilian and almost everything in between.
I enjoy hearing peoples comments now, unlike when I was a young girl. I couldn't stand being stopped by random strangers. They would stare into my eyes and say, "Are you wearing contacts?" "Where are you from?". I once had a woman reach out and try to touch my eye...she couldn't believe the color (i guess).
But when I was younger my so-called friends were mean about it. They would make fun of me. They made me feel very self conscience. Even my half brother made me question myself.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"????!!!! That's crap! My grandmother was sure that was my cure all though.
I went through several identity crises. I was trying to find my place in society. I wanted to be accepted. I hated being different. But there was nothing I could do to blend in. Someone was always saying something.
Now that I'm older (and perhaps a little wiser) it doesn't bother me as much. It still takes me by surprise when the person behind me in the grocery store comments on my hair or my eyes. But I'm flattered all the same.
I've found my place in society. It's my own little Racial Background Check Box on the government documents and job applications. "OTHER". I am the OTHER. I refuse to say I'm one race, when I'm in fact made up of many. To choose one race means I must deny the other and I won't do that.
I'm happy now. I'm me.